Health, Wellness, Beauty

I’m back!!!

I realize that I have not been on Tumblr for a while. I’ve just been feeling so badly about myself. I didn’t want to post anything. I wasn’t feeling motivated. Looking at fitspo was not only ineffective, but detrimental to my mental health. I’d look at it while eating unhealthy foods and/or eating mindlessly and I would know that what I was doing was bad for me and was obstructing my goals. But after weighing in at 122lbs the other day… that was it. I reset my spark people information. I’m starting over. I don’t want to look like this or feel like this anymore. I’m not going to let it push me back into my eating disorder like it did over the summer. But I’m not going to blind myself to the truth. I want to lose this extra weight. I know that my natural healthy body is around 112-115lbs. When I’m eating right and exercising regularly and consistently, that is my weight! I’m at 122lbs because I’ve become lazy and inconsistent with my diet and fitness routines. I’m getting back on track. I’m more motivated than ever. I hope to be down to 117lbs by my engagement party in a few weeks, which I believe is totally possible. I’m still young. I lose weight rather quickly. This afternoon, I weighed in at 119.8lbs (with food in my system). If I average a weight loss of one pound a week, I could lose four pounds by my engagement party! Summer is right around the corner, you guys! It’s time to step it up. Get off of your chairs and go outside. Be active! Play around! It’s as simple as adding a walk to your regular routine. Do SOMETHING and I know you’ll see change. :D

Check out my new blog!

If you’re at all interested in interior design, wedding planning, my life outside of fitness and nutrition, career, graduate school, etc…

growing-pains-21.tumblr.com

Things to do when I’m bored:

INSTEAD OF WATCHING TV!!!

So one of the cruxes of my problem with bingeing is that I feel like I have nothing else to do. I don’t ever feel like doing homework… I don’t really have much to do anyway. I go to work, I go to classes, but what about when I’m home? There’s my laptop… there are my DVDs of Gilmore Girls, Veronica Mars, Bones, Angel, Buffy the Vampire Slayer… there’s Netflix and Hulu… and then the urge to eat junk food until I feel sick. So I compiled a list of things to do INSTEAD of watching television for hours on end. 

1. organize my desk
2. start a new Tumblr blog about life after college
3. organize the area under my bed
4. look for a new bed set for when I move in with Gage
5. look at paint colors for my new house
6. paint my nails
7. get rid of old clothes and random clutter
8. research healthy new recipes
9. research potential careers and grad schools for after graduation
10. widen my music tastes through Pandora
11. read for pleasure
12. make my bed
13. clean my bathroom
14. come up with an updated list of date ideas (taking into account turning 21 soon)
15. come up with a list of vacations I want to take with Gage in the next 2-3 years
16. try a new restaurant in Isla Vista (but don’t eat it while watching TV)
17. do 30 reps of any leg exercise
18. give myself a facial
19. study for the GRE

I’m looking forward to…

1. tomorrow’s Classy Red Party
2. going to Disneyland for Memorial Day Weekend with Gage
3. giving Gage a present I got for him for no reason beyond my love :)
4. June 1st, pay day $$$
5. my graduation ceremony
6. moving out of my apartment
7. my two engagement parties back home
8. living alone for two months in a studio apartment for summer school
9. going to Disneyland at the end of June with my family 
10. July 1st, pay day $$$
11. turning 21 on July 20th!!! (FINALLY)
12. going to Disneyland for my birthday
13. finishing my undergraduate studies
14. moving in with Gage
15. possibly having my best friend live in our house for a year
16. …whatever I plan to do with my life after college…

Finally realized why I’ve been bingeing lately…

Last night, I consumed over 2500 calories in one sitting… I was watching TV on my computer like I always do after class or work and I felt like munching on something. I know you aren’t supposed to eat while distracted. I KNOW this, but I did it anyway. And it wasn’t the first time. I had already eaten dinner. I wasn’t even hungry! But I went to the market to buy chips and cookies anyway… On the walk over, I was debating the whole time whether or not I should actually do it… but of course I never turned around to go back to my apartment… I bought the stuff and I ate pretty much everything. 

I’ve dealt with an eating disorder in the past, but never bulimia. I’ve never purged. I felt so sick after this binge, though, I wanted to purge so badly. But I knew where that would lead and I don’t want to go down that path. I called my fiance and just started bawling. I was so upset with myself and so disappointed and ashamed. I’m upset that I’ve gained 10lbs this year. I’m upset that I keep turning to junk food to fill up my time. I’m going to be done with college in less than three months, but it still seems so far away. I’m tired of school. I’m ready to move in with my fiance and start our lives together. I’m ready to get a real job, but who knows what that’s going to be? Who knows what I want to do with my life??? I’m 20 years old and I’m so lost right now. 

And that’s the point. There it is, right there. I’ve gained weight because I’ve been bingeing on junk food lately. I’ve been bingeing because I’m in this state of limbo where I feel stuck and empty and BORED! So I fill up my time with hours and hours of television and food. There it is. And I’ve been doing this without realizing WHY! So in the midst of my crying, I’m saying all of these things and realizing that I have found the root of the problem. And now that I know the problem, I can solve it. 

This morning, I woke up at 6:30AM and ran on the treadmill for 30 minutes. I made myself some coffee. I plugged in all of my junk food into spark people (something I’ve always been too ashamed to do) because I needed to slap myself in the face. I needed to see the extent of the problem. I did some cleaning. I’m planning out things that I’m going to start doing instead of watching TV. I’m going to kick it into high gear. I’m going to finish off my last year of college with a bang. Last night was my wake up call. I’m going to get off my butt and DO something! Here I go. 

If you actually read this whole thing, I thank you. Comments and advice and words of encouragement are all very welcome!